The Mission Church of the Nazarene

     It almost feels appropriate that so much unrest and outcry about injustice is happening during advent.  The dark reality is that injustice,  racism,  hatred,  and violence has been going on all along,  it's just that suddenly it's more visible... at least to some people.  

     If you are non-white,  or live in a diverse urban area,  the head lines only serve to confirm something we've already been witness too. A dark reality we've already been a part of. 
     Regularly I get asked if I am afraid for my life to live where I do.  I get told often how afraid they would be if they substitute taught at Hammond High or Eggers middle school,  the 2 secondary schools downtown. 
     This rhetoric continues to shock me. Why should I be afraid? 
      My follow up question is almost always met with an awkward gaze and uncomfortable silence.  They don't want to say what they mean,  because they think as an educated white middle class woman the same fear resides within me.  A fear of the unknown,  a fear of seeing things that make us uncomfortable,  a fear of being the only person in the room who looks like us,  a fear of kids who have been raised with little guidance or hope,  and let's just address the elephant in the room,  a fear of black and hispanic people. 
      Fear. It's often under the surface of our conversations about race. It's in our comments about "that part of town". It's even ever present in our movies and television shows,  where the young white teacher goes to teach at the urban predominantly black school and is met with violent and drug addicted stereotype black students.
     Fear.  It's consumed my Facebook newsfeed. Two distinct groups of people,  both afraid. One afraid to raise children in a world they could be killed just because of their skin color,  or afraid for humanity as it seems we can't move forward with grace and love.  The other,  afraid to listen,  afraid they might be wrong,  afraid of a world where the police they have always trusted might be wrong. 
     I straddle both of those worlds. I'm afraid at times to raise half black children in this world,  afraid for my students and neighbors,  yet I've always trusted police,  never experienced issues with my race (though when I'm with my husband,  it's a different experience), afraid at times that maybe I'm not as honest about my own biases as I could be,  and afraid I might be wrong. 
     Fear.  We live in fear. 

      Yet,  we long for something else. Something more.  Something greater. 
     In the midst of our fear,  we long for a world without fear,  a world of understanding,  of grace,  of love,  of hope. 
     That's what advent is.  Longing for more,  looking for more,  hoping for more,  and ultimately seeing that come in Christ.
     We didn't invent fear,  racism,  corruption.  That all existed 2 thousand years ago too. In a small town of Bethlehem.  Where the military state controlled all aspects of life. Where to be a Jew,  meant oppression. In the midst of this world of violence,  of pain,  of suffering,  of fear,  an angel shows up to a group of smelly outcasts. 

               "Fear not" the angel says.  Was that spoken just for that moment?  Maybe,  but their entire world was fear. It is no accident they are being told not to fear. 
        But why should the fear stop,  "because I bring glad tidings of great joy,  which shall be for ALL people.  For today,  in the city of David,  a savior has been born to you,  he is Christ the LORD".
          God had broken into the midst of fear,  of loneliness, of pain,  of confusion,  to bring joy,  hope,  love,  heading,  and peace.
         The good news of advent is,  that Christ still comes.  He comes in our compassion,  in our love,  in our service,  in our grace.  He came, he comes,  and is coming again to fulfill what was started in a world of fear,  doubt,  and pain.  He is coming to make all things right. 

       So today,  we sit between the first and second week of advent, between hope and peace.  We don't just sit their metaphorically,  but we sit their as individuals,  as communities,  and as a nation.  We sit with a decision like the shepherds of old,  to go and see this thing the angel said, to embrace the news,  to share the news,  to abandon our fear for love and grace,  or to stay,  to be stunted by our fear,  and miss out on the greatest miracle of all.  

    I don't know about you,  but I am tired of being afraid,  tired of doubt,  of loneliness,  and hatred,  so I'm running as fast as i can, doing all within my power to bring hope,  peace,  joy,  and love to this world that so desperately needs it.
    I am sharing with all this advent "fear not,  for I bring glad tidings of great joy for ALL people,  no matter who you are,  what you look like,  your economic status,  your gender,  your race,  there is a savior, he is Christ the LORD"
    

    I substitute teach in an urban community on the south east side of the Chicago area. My encounters with black youth occur on a daily basis. 
    There is a lot of turmoil right now concerning black youth.  I am not here to debate jury decisions (i wasn't there), but I do want to voice a concern. 
     My Facebook is riddled with comments like "thug", "gangsta", and "hooligan". It saddens me how much of this comes from my Christian brothers and sisters.
     Because I know and love a whole lot of "thugs", and in reality,  they are just real live teenage kids needing love and guidance as they figure out life. 
     Just today a student was telling me about his court date for a bad decision. My heart broke for a boy,  a real boy,  who needs love and mentorship not a derogatory label.  He is a child.  He might look like a man,  but he isn't yet.  He's just a kid with too many hormones and not enough guidance.
    My thoughts are this,  communities are hurting,  people are hurting,  and while you may think they are wrong, calling names is the opposite of Christ like.
    Christ would be there.  Not with hurtful words or Facebook statuses,  but with embraces and listening ears.  We must learn to listen if we are ever going to come together. We must get out of our space and look at things through different eyes. We must embrace the ones we fear,  the ones who are different than us,  and our enemies.  Not just because it's a nice sentiment,  but because it is our calling.
     The kids I work with aren't always easy to love for everyone,  but they are just kids.  With hopes,  with dreams,  with people who love them,  and they already have a whole bunch stacked against them.  So while you may think you are referencing a specific person or event with your words,  they feel like you are addressing them,  labeling them,  and giving up on them.  Hear that in their voices.  They don't know how to tell you without screaming sometimes (remember they're teenagers), so listen humbly and closely enough,  so they don't have to. Ultimately though,  remember they are kids, real people,  beloved of God,  and worthy of respect.

     The hard reality of life is that money is tight. That being said, we didn't have internet for a while. We opted to pay for electricity and gas, and the internet became less of a necessity. In the meantime, my computer completely quit (it's been on its way out for a while), so we are now a 1 computer family. That's just some of the realities of life, but we're back. We're getting in a routine of life, and now that I'm making some income, we're starting to find our selves in a better place. It's just a long way out of the mountain of school debt, but we're making progress.
      That's just a small glimpse, one aspect of the in's and outs of the day. I try not to complain and have a positive attitude, but things are really hard sometimes. Not just with money, but staying encouraged.
    Starting a church is hard work. Some weeks no one shows up to bible study, and I always take it personally. It doesn't matter what else is going on, it usually brings me to tears and feeling like a failure. When all you have is a small number to start with, missing people from that number hurts, a lot.
     We are hitting 6 months of being here, and a lot of people thought we'd have a booming church by now. We don't. I think that's haunting me a bit, despite my desire to have things move slow and organically, it gets exhausting to explain for the thousandth time that we don't have services yet, we just have a small bible study. That only 2-4 people come, but we're working on impacting the community by being here, by showing up, by getting to know people. It's easy to doubt.
     This week was one of those cloud of doubt weeks. We wanted to do a big Halloween event, but the weather did not cooperate. Money was tight so we weren't able to do all we would have liked this past weekend. We also didn't have anyone show up for our small group bible study. The combination of those things seriously broke me.
     There are lots of great things going on, don't get me wrong. I've been subbing nearly every day, and have met some great kids. I have so many great stories of things I've confronted and ways I've grown. We had our neighbors over on Halloween last minute and learned a lot about the neighborhood and about them. Things are moving and happening.
     Despite that, it seems that the things that don't work out are the things I fixate on. I get frustrated that things aren't moving faster. I get depressed and think this was the wrong decision to make. I look at my to do list, which is so much bigger than I could ever accomplish (this whole having a job, trying to start a church, and take care of a home. It's a bit insane), and I get overwhelmed to the point that I want to do nothing.
   The discouragement is palpable. I'm not saying this because I want pity, but because I think this is a very real place when starting a new ministry. I think missionaries tend to speak of the great things God is doing, because that's what people love hearing. They love hearing the stories of how awesome things are, and it makes people want to be a part of that. I get that. I like the happy stories too, but the reality of ministry, and the reality of life, is that it isn't all happy.
    Maybe that's part of why I haven't posted much the past few weeks. It's hard to be honest about the tough side when you're in it.
     I don't have a lot of wise words to offer, just that I know this is a road many have walked before me, and many are walking now. That I knew this would not be easy, and to remember to take everything a step at a time.
     There's growth here, in the midst of this, and I know that it will be worth it in the end. Just trying not to miss the forest for the trees.

   The last few weeks have been crazy, which is why I've been silent on here. It's been a roller coaster of ups and downs, but I'm finally settling into a routine.
    After serving Mac's grandmother for a week, she passed away surrounded by family. Our time for several days was spent mostly with family, trying to help in whatever ways we could, and remembering grandma together. Despite our grief, it was truly a blessing to spend time with family.

   There is a beauty in caring for the elderly. It's a frustrating and difficult task, and I am amazed at people who do it on a daily basis, but there is somehow a beauty to it as well. My lack of posts these past several days, have been because I have been busy learning that.
   I cared for Mac's grandmother for a few days in order to give my mother in law a bit of a respite. I felt somewhat powerless to help in the ways I wanted to. There were small things I could help with, but it's hard to help with grief, feelings of helplessness, and overwhelming stress.
   What I did do, was look after someone I love deeply, and who spent many hours looking after people who I now call family. In the large scheme of things, it was the very least I could do.
    The days were trying though, and I found myself coming home exhausted. Arguing over eating something, or taking a drink of water, or sitting up for a little exercise, became a common occurrence. I imagine it was frustrating for grandma as well, needing help to do simple things like sitting up in bed. Things that she was fully capable of doing on her own for so many years.
     There was this frailty in those moments; moments that reflected in many ways a new baby, needing care and help. This frailty of humanity, that life is fragile and precious.

Birthday good deeds day 2, 3, 4, and 5 (and some day 1 stuff I missed):
    After I published my last post, a few more fun things happened. We had my brother-in-law, sister-in-law and her boyfriend over for dinner. Having people over is a great joy for us, and we had a great evening full of laughter and food. I also got a little treat for my bro-in-law.
   

     

     My goal was to do around 4 acts of kindness today. I think I achieved 2 notable ones. There were a few other random acts, but not very notable. There was a debate going on in my mind on whether or not to count throwing the empty Starbucks cup that I found in an aisle at target away; the answer was no. I don't want to get in the habit of counting every piece of trash I pick up as an intentional act, or I'm going to end up copping out on so much more.
     The first act that actually does count is having a friend over tonight and to spend the day with us tomorrow. Most of my day was spent cleaning the house in anticipation for her. I don't like to do things small either, I love for people to feel welcomed and pampered when they stay here. That does not always happen, but I try. I read that "the heart of hospitality is when people leave your home they should feel better about themselves, not better about you." I try to do that. Another great quote on hospitality is "Hospitality is not about inviting people into our perfect homes; it is all about inviting people into our imperfect lives." Our home is far from perfect. Only one room has been painted, things are still somewhat dirty (as much as we've strived for them not to be, there's only so much we can do in a summer), and we still have unpacked boxes, but we still want people to come be a part of this chaos we call life. We want them to see us as real people, with a dog that barks too much, and dust in the corners. We want for them to see that, but to ultimately come out of the other side feeling loved, valued, rested, and with memories. Our beds are soft and clean, and they are meant to be slept in. Our home is meant to be lived in, so we have strived to open it up as much as possible to anyone.

     The delay in posting about our Mundelein students visiting, is not without reason. The main reason was to sigh a heavy sigh that we survived the summer. The other reason is, I have a disappointingly low number of photos. I was so busy living in the moment, and soaking up every second I could with these teens I love more than words could ever express.
    There aren't nearly as many shocking before and after photos, because so much of what was done, was to clean up and make the church workable for now. Plus,we needed some time to breathe. It's been such a whirlwind of a summer, that we had to play catch up on boring things like organizing receipts, and calling insurance companies. We also just needed some time to put our feet up for a couple days, before the next whirlwind started.
      Spending time with our teens from Mundelein was invaluable to us. It was a week of mixed emotions, as we watched them enjoy our new home, and got to admire how tall everyone has gotten in the 2 months since we left, we also knew we'd have to say goodbye again. We also had our first real issue of the week with one of our girls breaking her leg while adventuring at the beach. It broke our hearts to sit with her in the ER and watch her go through so much pain. It really is an emotional thing to want to help someone so much, and be very limited in what you can do. We are so grateful that she had an awesome Dr. and nurse, who took great care of her, and she is on the mend.
     There were lots of laughs, lots of stories, and lots of work done. Here are a few pictures that I managed to snap in the midst of basking in the moments I shared with people so precious to my heart.

   The second wave of New Life students left this morning. They did some of the hardest work of the summer. It wasn't particularly difficult, it was just insanely hot, and the projects were incredibly dirty. There was a lot of demolition this week, and some we hadn't even planned on.
    As things seem to go, the church building and house have layers of issues. When one thing is uncovered, several others come to the surface. Thus, one of the projects we thought was complete last week, ended up being part of a project this week.
    We really thought at this point all our projects would be done, but that is not the case. There is still a lot more to do, and the reality is setting in, that it all won't happen this summer (and that's OK). Our goal was to have a place that looks nice, that was safe, and that could be used as a tool to reach the community. Those things are almost completely achieved. While we may not have a completely working a/c, new sanctuary lights, or a new front door, we have torn down (and will continue to tear down) an unsafe ceiling, had an electrician bring a bunch of things up to code, gotten rid of tons of mold and mildew issues (and prevented them from coming back), and made much more practical space to hold events, work out of, and host people.
     Here are the before and after pictures of this week.

The burnt out light bulbs in the drywall we were not so excited to find. (We also found bricks in the drop ceiling, and in the plaster ceiling. We are so lucky no one got hurt).