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I substitute teach in an urban community on the south east side of the Chicago area. My encounters with black youth occur on a daily basis.
There is a lot of turmoil right now concerning black youth. I am not here to debate jury decisions (i wasn't there), but I do want to voice a concern.
My Facebook is riddled with comments like "thug", "gangsta", and "hooligan". It saddens me how much of this comes from my Christian brothers and sisters.
Because I know and love a whole lot of "thugs", and in reality, they are just real live teenage kids needing love and guidance as they figure out life.
Just today a student was telling me about his court date for a bad decision. My heart broke for a boy, a real boy, who needs love and mentorship not a derogatory label. He is a child. He might look like a man, but he isn't yet. He's just a kid with too many hormones and not enough guidance.
My thoughts are this, communities are hurting, people are hurting, and while you may think they are wrong, calling names is the opposite of Christ like.
Christ would be there. Not with hurtful words or Facebook statuses, but with embraces and listening ears. We must learn to listen if we are ever going to come together. We must get out of our space and look at things through different eyes. We must embrace the ones we fear, the ones who are different than us, and our enemies. Not just because it's a nice sentiment, but because it is our calling.
The kids I work with aren't always easy to love for everyone, but they are just kids. With hopes, with dreams, with people who love them, and they already have a whole bunch stacked against them. So while you may think you are referencing a specific person or event with your words, they feel like you are addressing them, labeling them, and giving up on them. Hear that in their voices. They don't know how to tell you without screaming sometimes (remember they're teenagers), so listen humbly and closely enough, so they don't have to. Ultimately though, remember they are kids, real people, beloved of God, and worthy of respect.
They're just kids
Token (part 1): on being labeled the voice on gender and race issues in the church
While at dinner, I was asked about our church plant and city. I was also asked an important question about race and the church of the Nazarene. More specifically, where do I see mac and I in the role of racial reconciliation in the larger church since we are in a unique position (white female pastor with a black husband).
It was an interesting question and one I was more than happy to answer. In fact, I've been contemplating a blog post on race for a while (which will still be written, as it relates to our context in Hammond) but I haven't written one for several reasons. The main one being, we'd like to be known for who we are, the skills we have, our love for Jesus and his church, and not be the token representatives of diversity. (We often are the token female pastor and black person at events, thus it seems those are the questions I am always fielding).We love diversity. We love speaking about the church's need to be more a representation of the kingdom of God where there is no Jew or greek, slave or free, male or female. We find it important to speak up for the oppressed, to advocate for the hurting, and to be a catalyst for forgiveness, reconciliation, and change.
The issue is, all too often while talking about race someone makes a comment like the one that was made tonight "what an asset to your ministry to have a black husband! "
While possibly well meaning, it was implied my marriage is based on what my ministry can gain from my husband's race. That isn't fair to either of us, it's insensitive, and offensive. If they meant God can use our marriage to impact the kingdom, absolutely, he can use everyone's marriage, because God uses everything. However, I married my husband because of who he is, not for some odd ministry benefit (which let's be honest... do you really think being a white woman pastor with a black husband is the ticket to a great ministry job? Really?).
The most interesting part of that comment isn't what was said though, it is the conversation being had around it. I was speaking to the fact that while most churches (in our case they are predominantly white) would be welcoming and kind to a black family, there is a reason churches are still widely separated racially and that is a complete lack of racial sensitivity, understanding, education, and experience.
Case in point, I was just told what an asset my husband's race is to my ministry. It lacked thought, sensitivity, and understanding.
When I confronted it, I was told that I need to be more wise and accommodating to those who still need to change, because I was getting defensive.
Mac reminded me how everyone says the church is always one generation away from extinction, thus there isn't time. We must be grace filled, loving, and wise, but if we don't act with some sense of urgency, we're going to miss reaching a whole lot of people who needed us to truly be the kingdom of God to them. A kingdom where there is no Jew or greek, slave or free, male or female.
I pray tonight we speak the hard words, we listen even more deeply than we speak, and that we can be a glimpse of that kingdom that only comes when we truly work together.
Moments of Doubt
The hard reality of life is that money is tight. That being said, we didn't have internet for a while. We opted to pay for electricity and gas, and the internet became less of a necessity. In the meantime, my computer completely quit (it's been on its way out for a while), so we are now a 1 computer family. That's just some of the realities of life, but we're back. We're getting in a routine of life, and now that I'm making some income, we're starting to find our selves in a better place. It's just a long way out of the mountain of school debt, but we're making progress.
That's just a small glimpse, one aspect of the in's and outs of the day. I try not to complain and have a positive attitude, but things are really hard sometimes. Not just with money, but staying encouraged.
Starting a church is hard work. Some weeks no one shows up to bible study, and I always take it personally. It doesn't matter what else is going on, it usually brings me to tears and feeling like a failure. When all you have is a small number to start with, missing people from that number hurts, a lot.
We are hitting 6 months of being here, and a lot of people thought we'd have a booming church by now. We don't. I think that's haunting me a bit, despite my desire to have things move slow and organically, it gets exhausting to explain for the thousandth time that we don't have services yet, we just have a small bible study. That only 2-4 people come, but we're working on impacting the community by being here, by showing up, by getting to know people. It's easy to doubt.
This week was one of those cloud of doubt weeks. We wanted to do a big Halloween event, but the weather did not cooperate. Money was tight so we weren't able to do all we would have liked this past weekend. We also didn't have anyone show up for our small group bible study. The combination of those things seriously broke me.
There are lots of great things going on, don't get me wrong. I've been subbing nearly every day, and have met some great kids. I have so many great stories of things I've confronted and ways I've grown. We had our neighbors over on Halloween last minute and learned a lot about the neighborhood and about them. Things are moving and happening.
Despite that, it seems that the things that don't work out are the things I fixate on. I get frustrated that things aren't moving faster. I get depressed and think this was the wrong decision to make. I look at my to do list, which is so much bigger than I could ever accomplish (this whole having a job, trying to start a church, and take care of a home. It's a bit insane), and I get overwhelmed to the point that I want to do nothing.
The discouragement is palpable. I'm not saying this because I want pity, but because I think this is a very real place when starting a new ministry. I think missionaries tend to speak of the great things God is doing, because that's what people love hearing. They love hearing the stories of how awesome things are, and it makes people want to be a part of that. I get that. I like the happy stories too, but the reality of ministry, and the reality of life, is that it isn't all happy.
Maybe that's part of why I haven't posted much the past few weeks. It's hard to be honest about the tough side when you're in it.
I don't have a lot of wise words to offer, just that I know this is a road many have walked before me, and many are walking now. That I knew this would not be easy, and to remember to take everything a step at a time.
There's growth here, in the midst of this, and I know that it will be worth it in the end. Just trying not to miss the forest for the trees.
Where in the World Have I been?
The last few weeks have been crazy, which is why I've been silent on here. It's been a roller coaster of ups and downs, but I'm finally settling into a routine.
After serving Mac's grandmother for a week, she passed away surrounded by family. Our time for several days was spent mostly with family, trying to help in whatever ways we could, and remembering grandma together. Despite our grief, it was truly a blessing to spend time with family.
In the midst of that, I got a job at our neighborhood Walgreens. My hours were a bit erratic at first, which made it difficult to plan anything. Working at Walgreens enabled me to get to know the neighborhood in a different way, and I met a lot of people.
Part of the reason I got my hair done, was because I officiated a wedding a week ago for two awesome people. Their wedding was simple, elegant, and beautiful. I also got the added bonus of seeing some former students from my days as an intern. It was a great time, and I was so honored to be a part of it all. I don't have any pictures, because I was so in the moment, soaking it all in.
If this wasn't enough, I was contacted by the school district here in Hammond to substitute teach. This would mean more pay, consistent hours, with weekends, holidays, and summer off which is the ideal situation for pastoring at the same time. I filled out all the paper work, got my sub license, and have already been subbing for a week now. This also meant, that despite just starting a job at Walgreens, I had to turn around and put in my resignation. I was so grateful for that job, but am grateful I can work for less time with more pay. I also LOVE substitute teaching. Every day is different, and I love getting to know the students. I am sure there will be tons of blog posts about what I've learned and encountered while subbing. It's such a great way to connect with the community, and to really impact kids in our city.
Finally, we had a housewarming party, and decided to paint a large percentage of our house to get ready for it. We worked for hours painting. We have a lot left to do, but our house looks so much more like a home than it did when we first moved in. It also makes us feel much more at home. There were some issues we ran into, but for now, we are really proud of our accomplishments. There will be pictures at a later date.
So that's a run down of the last 3 weeks, a new job started, a funeral, a wedding, a different new job, leaving a job, having a party, and painting a house. Life is full. It is always an adventure, but we are truly enjoying the ride.
Beauty in Service
There is a beauty in caring for the elderly. It's a frustrating and difficult task, and I am amazed at people who do it on a daily basis, but there is somehow a beauty to it as well. My lack of posts these past several days, have been because I have been busy learning that.
I cared for Mac's grandmother for a few days in order to give my mother in law a bit of a respite. I felt somewhat powerless to help in the ways I wanted to. There were small things I could help with, but it's hard to help with grief, feelings of helplessness, and overwhelming stress.
What I did do, was look after someone I love deeply, and who spent many hours looking after people who I now call family. In the large scheme of things, it was the very least I could do.
The days were trying though, and I found myself coming home exhausted. Arguing over eating something, or taking a drink of water, or sitting up for a little exercise, became a common occurrence. I imagine it was frustrating for grandma as well, needing help to do simple things like sitting up in bed. Things that she was fully capable of doing on her own for so many years.
There was this frailty in those moments; moments that reflected in many ways a new baby, needing care and help. This frailty of humanity, that life is fragile and precious.
Though we are months away from Ash Wednesday and the Lenten season, I found myself reflecting on the words we say then "From dust you came, to dust you shall return". The idea that we are mortal is so profound when staring at it.
As I helped grandma she kept saying "Lord have mercy". Maybe it was just a complaint, or reflex, but I kept thinking "He does have mercy. He is extending mercy, even now." That's where I saw the beauty.
Where the concept of death, dust, mortality met with the beauty of life, hope, and resurrection. This reality that while their is death, Christ has conquered the grave.
There was another place I saw beauty to, in the mundane tasks of caring for someone. It wasn't glamorous. I doubt I'll make the front page of papers, or be invited on to day time talk shows for helping my husband's grandmother use the bathroom, but there's a humbling to the whole thing. No doubt for both grandma and I. She has to allow herself to be helped, and I have to be humble enough to do so.
I remember my mom telling me that after my own grandmother had passed away, she went and bathed her body to prepare for the funeral. She told me, with tears in her eyes, that it was the last act of service she could do for her mother.
Service gets overlooked in our society a lot, but being a servant is no small task. It's humbling, and it's hard, but there is such a beauty in it that can't be explained. It's not because you feel good about it, sometimes you do, sometimes you don't. I really believe it's because serving others is the closest thing on this earth to being with the ultimate servant of all, Jesus. In those moments his presence is palpable, because he served in the most profound ways possible, and continues to do so out of his great love for us.
If Jesus has served me so well, how could I do any less for those around me?
Being Invited Into the Life of Others
Mustard Seed project Update: Days 2, 3, 4, and 5
Birthday good deeds day 2, 3, 4, and 5 (and some day 1 stuff I missed):
After I published my last post, a few more fun things happened. We had my brother-in-law, sister-in-law and her boyfriend over for dinner. Having people over is a great joy for us, and we had a great evening full of laughter and food. I also got a little treat for my bro-in-law.
