Posts
I was taken aback. This was a day I had rushed out the door exhausted, with a quick ponytail and no makeup. My first response was "wait, me?" Which of course I didn't say out loud, opting for a much more socially acceptable "thank you."
Then, as I am prone to do, I thought about what she had said. It sat weird to me, not because I didn't feel pretty, or that I had rushed out the door without a second thought about my appearance. It sat weirdly, because she equated her liking me to my physical appearance.
This has happened before. I've walked past my elementary classes in the hallways to whispers of how pretty I am, or "she looks so nice", or the more direct "you just look nice Ms. C".
While I am happy to receive compliments, and I definitely appreciate that I appear kind, I'm starting to wonder how much we as a culture equate being beautiful or pretty with being good.
It's no secret that in order to be a movie star one must not only be talented (though even this might be up for debate), but one must also be beautiful. Not only beautiful, but a very specific well defined beautiful: thin, thick hair, light skin, flawless complexion, and big lips and hips don't hurt. (There are exceptions to this, but they are just that, exceptions).
Not only is there an expectation of beauty placed upon those in the realm of television and movies, but if you take a glance at "successful" women, they all tend to have one thing in common, they are attractive. There was even a study done that said that people who are more attractive tend to be more successful.
This idea of pretty as good is not relegated to the culture either, but has seeped into the church as well. I took note at our last big denominational event, of the women who were placed up front, and I've thought back over the Christian women's events that I have been to, and while these women might disagree, they are all beautiful. I remember as a young woman sitting in the audience at a particular women's conference and thinking about how perfect their hair looked, how flawless their makeup was, how on point their outfits were, and looking at myself feeling so very inadequate. Obviously having stylists on hand before you go on stage makes a difference, but I wonder if we are often silently communicating that in order to be successful, in order to be good, in order to be used in big ways by God, you must also be pretty.
This is a message I think we unintentionally perpetuate to girls all the time. Think back to the last time a little girl walked into church on a Sunday morning. More than likely the first thing spoken to her was "You look so pretty today!" (There was a great blog post written on this here.) While it isn't a bad thing, we are communicating in many ways that the way to be good, to be successful, is to be lovely.
The problem with the message of pretty equaling good, is that within these narrow cultural constructs of what it means to be attractive, a lot of people are left out, and sadly, most often the women and girls left out are women of color, women with natural hair, women outside of a size 6, women without perfect skin (um... isn't that like, most of us?!), or who cannot afford to be fashionable. We are robbing ourselves of ethnic and economic diversity, if we continue on in the patterns that attractive equals good/successful/great/smart/etc. We are communicating to these girls and women that they can't be successful.
Maybe the most heartbreaking area I've seen this illustrated is at school, where I will overhear a dark skinned black girl being told by her light skinned peers that she isn't as pretty as they are. That she isn't good enough is perpetuated by the media who tends to favor light skinned actors over darker skinned actors (If this is a new concept to you, here is a post on colorism in the media). This is also illustrated when I hear on a nearly daily basis that when I have children they will be beautiful because "mixed children are the most beautiful" as though being beautiful is the most important value (though, I question if it is a value... it's not) to have.
As I reflected on this idea of pretty as good, I was reminded of the story in 1 Samuel, where Samuel is called upon to choose the next king of Israel. He goes to the sons of Jesse, and he keeps picking the most attractive sons, assuming that if one is to be the king, he must be the strongest and most handsome. After all of the strongest and most handsome being rejected God says to Samuel in chapter 16, verse 7 “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”
God looks at the heart.
One of the best pieces of advice my mom ever gave me was "beauty is as beauty does." She said it so often, that it almost became white noise to me, but the words are true. Beauty on the inside, that is what matters to God. Hearts that are honest, loving, filled with grace and mercy, that's what God looks at. We would do well to do the same. We would do good by our daughters, grandchildren, and neighborhood girls to do the same. To stop equating pretty with niceness, or goodness, or kindness, or talent, but to look at people's hearts and love them just the same. We would do good by our churches and our denominations, to illustrate by example, that it is not beauty that makes us worthy, or successful, or called, but the grace of God pouring into and out of our lives.
I get why we don't have people up in front of large crowds speaking in pajama pants, but I wonder how often we perpetuate in our silent ways (and sometimes our more direct ways), that being pretty is the same as being good. I wonder how many women and girls feel disqualified from being the world changers they are, because when they look on stage and then look in the mirror, they see 2 very different things. I wonder if we are sabotaging girls from living into their potential when the first thing we say is "you are so pretty" instead of repeating to them "beauty is as beauty does, be beautiful on the inside."
Then I wonder if the world, or at least the church, can be different, can be a place that elevates compassion over cosmetics, and forgiveness over fashion. I wonder how many amazing workers for the kingdom of God would be empowered and embraced if we began to promote hospitality and humility over hotness, and attentiveness over attractiveness. I wonder the level of intelligence and the vastness of diversity we would gain if we broke through the narrow cultural confines of beauty, and truly looked at people's hearts, the way God does.
I'm not saying don't comb your hair (though if you have small children and/or a crazy busy schedule, we understand if you don't), or don't wear makeup, or don't care about fashion, but what I am saying is, do you spend as much time grooming your heart as you do your appearance? Do we care as much about love, grace, mercy, justice, and compassion, as we do about the latest Urban Decay smokey eye pallet? Are we communicating to the girls around us, that God is looking at their hearts? Are we looking at people's hearts, at their God given talents and abilities, or are we only looking at the surface?
Maybe most importantly, when we look in the mirror, are we telling ourselves that our beauty on the inside is the most important thing about us? Because ultimately the loudest voice in our head is ours.
