Childless Female Pastor

   

     There are a lot of wonderful pieces written by a great many women leaders about motherhood and church life. How having children has increased their understanding and empathy for others. How giving birth connected them in ways to God they didn't see possible. Even articles about balancing life as a mom and a pastor.
     Much less often are words penned about what it means to be a childless woman pastor. However, that's what I am.
     We got married at 28, which in normal society is deemed average, in church society is deemed as ancient, so when I began ministry as a single 22 year old just out of college, I was already a bit of an oddity. When my husband and I got engaged, people assumed we were 5-8 years younger than we really were. Faces were shocked when I told them the year I had graduated from college, thinking I was obviously a recent college grad, who just didn't quite make the ring by spring deadline. Often we would be disregarded when giving our thoughts on things, in favor of people much younger than us, because they had kids, the assumption was that they were older than us. It was and continues to be incredibly frustrating.
      I have a masters degree, 7 years of full time youth ministry and 2 years of senior pastor ministry experience, I'm an ordained elder, have traveled to many countries and states, and I have 31 years of life experience, and much (if not all) of that gets disregarded at times, because I don't have children.
      Not only does the vast amount of experience I have get disregarded, but my own feelings and perspective is deemed less than. I have been told such things as "well you can't possibly know love, you don't have children." Or "you don't really know anything, because you aren't a parent." Two phrases that aren't just completely wrong, they are incredibly hurtful and dehumanizing.
      While I will be the first to admit that there are many things having children probably teaches someone about God and life (I've read all your blogs, books, and stories), there are many things that being childless has taught me as well.
      It has taught me that people are the beloved of God regardless of whether or not they have children. We often favor people with children in the church. We throw elaborate baby showers, we have baby days, we spend lots of money on ministering to families with children, even hiring pastors for that specific task. There are many women (and men) whether through choice or circumstance who do not have children, and while we should not stop celebrating children in our midst, we should take the time to celebrate the great and beautiful people in our churches who don't have children.
     Invisible is how many childless people feel within the church. They don't get the parties, or the celebrations. They watch the cute little families pushing strollers into church each and every week, and are often overlooked in the bustle. Everyone loves cute babies and pregnant bellies, single and/or childless people are sort of just there. They are expected to put themselves out there and serve others because it is assumed they have unending amounts of time and energy (other phrases often told to people who are childless) because they don't have children.
     I've gone home and cried many a night after attending baby showers, and big church baby day celebrations. I love throwing parties, I love celebrating new life in our churches, I love babies, but it creates this deepening wound that says "you might never have this" or "you aren't really anything, until you have children." Despite good intentions, it's easy for those types of displays to make those of us without children to feel less important to the community of faith, and in turn, less valuable to God.
    So having no children has taught me to be aware of that. To look for the gifts and talents of the people in our faith community without children. To see them, and recognize they are just as much gifted by God, and are called to work for the Kingdom of God in great ways. They are created in the image of God, and deserve to be celebrated for all the ways God is moving in their lives, in the big and the small.
     Being a childless pastor has also taught me that you have no idea of what inner battles others are fighting, and it's cruel and unfair to make assumptions about anyone. I've heard well intentioned church people tell childless couples that they are "selfish" for not having children, without knowing those people at all. I know childless couples who struggle with infertility, who have gone through failed adoption after failed adoption, others who are self aware enough to know they would not make great parents, and still others who choose not to have children in order to have schedules more conducive to the long hours of certain ministries. These are not "selfish" people, they are just people, who through circumstance or choice have been thrust into a different position than others.
      Other assumptions that have been made of childless people, including myself, "you aren't trying enough", "you're trying too much", "do you even want children?", "can you even have children?", "have you ever thought of adopting?", "you'd make great parents. You'll change your mind." I get uncomfortable every single time someone asks me about our having children. Every. Single. Time. There are about 4 people I've talked to in depth about having children, my husband, my doctor, and a couple close female friends. That's it. I don't think it's the world's business, and it is incredibly frustrating for people to shove themselves in like it is their business. The chances are, you have no idea what someone else is going through, unless they have told you, and even then, you probably only get a glimpse.
       That being said, I've also learned to extend grace over and over and over again. Really hurtful things have been said to me, incredibly hurtful things, and I have to turn around and love people just the same. I have to love them after they ask "is that a baby belly I see!", when it's not, it's just fat, which will probably get bigger from that incredibly hurtful statement and the stress eating that will ensue. Grace has to become my life force, but I also must extend grace to the people I know nothing about. I must never assume the worst, but always cover my words and my thoughts with grace.
       Women say all the time that having children have made them a better pastor and Christian, I don't doubt that at all, but not having children at 31 has certainly made me a better pastor. I see through a lens many women don't, to see how child-centric church can be. How painful days like Mother's Day can be, and have had to preach and pray despite tears choking in my own throat. How families without children need pastors too. They need bible studies, Sunday school classes, celebrations, and friends. They need places to serve, and often need to be asked to serve in places like the nursery and the children's department, places people often automatically exclude them from regardless of their gifts and talents. They need less assumptions and to be listened to more. To have people who actually hear about their experiences and don't disregard them for lack of having children. They need people to acknowledge that while the love they have for their friends, their spouse, their family, and God aren't the same as the love one has for children, it is no less real, important, and life giving. They need places where it's safe to grieve, with people who won't offer unwanted advice, but who just grieve with them. They need places to rejoice over their accomplishments, their advanced degree, their new job, the ways God is moving. They need places that look at them as the beloved of God and not just a stepping stone to some sort of better life that only those with children know about. They need the church to elevate following Jesus more than the act of becoming parents, something that all of us childless or not, need to be reminded of daily. They need to hear over and over and over again "you are good enough as you are. You are the beloved of God just as you are."
      Because, childless church people, you are. You are the beloved of God, you aren't your miscarriage, your stillbirth, your abortion, your PCOS, your endometriosis, your unexplained infertility, your single-hood, your choice to not have children... You are more than all of those things, and the Church should be the one place that communicates that to you, even if the world doesn't. You have a place in the amazing Kingdom of God, to do great things, and if you feel invisible in church on Sunday morning amidst the hustle and bustle of cute little families with their cute little kids, know that I see you. I see you, and you are loved, just as you are, where you are, and God sees you too. God sees the desires of your heart, whatever they might be, and if no one else is celebrating the great things happening in your life, God does. You are important, not because of what you might or might not be someday, but for who you are right now, where you are right now.

This entry was posted on Saturday, May 14, 2016. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response.

5 Responses to “Childless Female Pastor”

  1. Love this Robbie! Thank you!

    - Christen Lowe

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  2. Great perspective and perception. We don't hear much about the disciples children or lack thereof. My guess is few had any. They started out walking and working single for another single childless man. They were so caught up in ministry don't think they had time to marry. And all but one died an untimely early death, didn't leave much anyway to any descendants or relatives. But I do think you are wrong in a way. All those urban kids you are teaching and mentoring and loving in the public school system? I think they are in a very real way, "your kids"

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    Replies
    1. Peter had a wife, remember Jesus healed his mother in law? Probably a good number may have been married, we just don't know. As for having kids, no idea.

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